Loneliness in Homeschooling
2024 Mission Valley Gymnastics, Level 7
The Best Friend Dilemma
When my oldest was in second grade (public school), she was asked to be someone’s best friend. She knew I wasn’t a fan of that terminology, recognizing how much heartbreak it could cause. After politely declining, she watched as the girl simply moved on to ask someone else. As lunch seating shifted and more BFF pairs formed, “Twin Day” was announced in class. My daughter was distraught. She eventually found a girl who agreed to match with her, so she came home excited, meticulously collecting the perfect outfit for the next day. But when I picked her up, she collapsed in tears—the other girl had "forgotten."
A Difficult Start to Homeschooling
Our decision to homeschool had already been made weeks before, but that day only solidified my daughter’s excitement to leave. She finished the school year with her head held high, her teeth slightly gritted. At the start of homeschooling, the Lord provided a beautiful church community in our neighborhood, meeting the relational needs of both my children and myself as a new foster and homeschool mom. We enjoyed a couple of blissful years—until, suddenly, it all unraveled. Within one calendar year, my daughter lost her five closest friends to moves, along with several family friends. Living in San Diego, a transient city, made stability elusive. As new neighbors arrived, we noticed something troubling: children around ages 10-12 started disappearing indoors.
The Pain of Isolation
Many nights, my sixth-grader cried herself to sleep. For over a year, she had no friends. Had she tried? Yes and no. Burned by past disappointments, she hesitated, and despite my efforts, I couldn’t manufacture a meaningful friendship for her. I kept running my co-ops, always hoping to bring in just one more child who might become her friend. She attended an enrichment center a few days a week, but she seemed to be waiting—for that perfect best friend to magically appear and embrace her. My fears raged: Would another “Twin Day” nightmare be upon us? Would she be invited to a sleepover? Would anyone come to her birthday? Did she even have friends to invite?
Clinging to Faith in Uncertainty
Through it all, I clung to my faith. Without the assurance given to me by my Lord and Savior, I would have been utterly lost. But I struggled with how to comfort my daughter. “The Lord provides. He knows you better and loves you more than anyone. He is nearer to you than any other. Maybe He is using this to show you how much you need Him? Maybe this will help you minister to someone else one day?” True words. But to my hurting pre-teen, they meant little in the moment. The Lord eventually provided a friend through gymnastics, bringing some much-needed relief. But when that friend switched sports, we found ourselves right back where we started.
The Slow Work of Building Friendships
As my now 13-year-old advanced in gymnastics, she joined a new team. It took a full year before she felt included, but she’s finally enjoying invitations again. Still, the deep, kindred friendship she longs for remains just out of reach. She’s reflected on her experience: “Next time, I’m going to introduce myself right away and get their contacts. I’m going to compliment and encourage them, offer to share snacks, or ask for a bite of theirs.” She’s learning the art of friendship. This daughter of mine has a strong moral compass. Cheating bothers her. Gossip bothers her. Incorrect theology bothers her. She has endured flack from both gymnasts and coaches for refusing to cut corners or engage in negativity. She has been ignored for not allowing others to gossip in her presence.
Holding On to Hope
And yet, after a year and a half on this team, something changed. One day, a teammate said, “I want to do conditioning with you because you work hard and don’t cheat.” A few practices later, another girl found her after practice and whispered, “Guess what? I did every exercise today!” Before a birthday party, a teammate hesitated and asked, “Do you think I should invite her?” My daughter responded, “How would it feel if you were younger and everyone on your team went to a sleepover without you?” That night, everyone was invited. It takes time for young teens to recognize and respect maturity in one another. But now, my daughter sees it happening. She’s not always shown the latest memes or asked about her outfit for the party, but she knows her teammates view her differently. They respect her.
And in three months, we move again.
Loneliness in homeschooling isn’t just about being home—it’s about navigating the shifting tides of friendships, the ache of loss, and the slow, often painful process of finding where you belong. But my daughter has learned that standing her ground and doing what’s right makes a difference. And I pray that in this next season, she’ll find the friend she’s been waiting for or depend even more deeply on the creator who died for her.
I wrote this to share, to process, and to encourage others—you’re not alone. My kids are now offering mentorship to other homeschoolers, so if you have a kiddo who needs someone to listen, who has been there, they’d love to help.
Reach out anytime or share how you’ve fought off the feelings of loneliness in your home.
